I just read one of Ellen Willis’s essays (“The Abyss,” in the book Out of the Vinyl Deeps in the section of her feminist essays) which is a collection of her thoughts and experiences from one week. She went to a Lou Reed concert at the end of the week, and leading up to it she talked with some friends about wearing masks of vaginas (maybe with teeth) to said show. She mentions a dream journal entry about driving a car and being unable to see the road because she was not wearing her glasses, which is funny because fMh just posted about a similar dream. In that post, they discussed that it could mean it is difficult to make clear judgments about important things, which yeah ugh school I hate it but I want to finish because that is important to me and I don’t know what to major in or do anymore (and also the dreams make me think of how terrifying it is to feel like you have no control over anything which I feel silly about right now because of eczema and my stupid eyelid skin makes me ridiculously sad). I appreciated Willis’s mention of frustrations with being unable to finish another essay, and obviously writing a more scattered essay of thoughts helped her work through that. So I just need to write more. 

Tonight’s Mad Men was my favorite episode of the series! I think. All of my favorite characters had some great moments. *spoilers* I loved seeing Peggy’s confidence in her abilities and demanding more money for her work because she deserves it. So happy to see her bonding with Dawn, and I’m excited to see more of that. And Joan finally getting rid of her rapist husband FINALLY. I want to rewatch the episode soon because Sally was also great but I can’t remember specifics with her other than that conversation with Don. Molly Lambert writes the best Mad Men recaps and this episode reminded me of this line (from this post about an episode last season):

Is Mad Men going to gradually indoctrinate the straight men who idolize it with feminism? Don’t mind if they do!

Obviously I have been reading a lot of things about feminism lately and it’s because I need to feel better about myself and I am starting to, and I just enjoy learning more about it. Hahahahaa my armpit hair is so long because I decided I don’t need to shave it. It’s way grosser for me to shave it and deal with a skin rash and then an allergic reaction to deodorant or something. And I don’t care because I am feeling more positive about me/my gender which is important. 

In 8th grade, the skin around both of my eyes started feeling really itchy, and then of course on the day that I was in the spelling bee, I woke up and they were both extremely puffy and so my eyes were almost swollen shut. But that was the year I was going to win the spelling bee! So I had to go to school and all day people were asking if I stayed up really late studying or something to which I replied “I have been in 3 spelling bees since 4th grade; no I did not study because I know how to spell words. My eyes are just weird today.” It was humiliating because I was 13 and I looked gross and sad, and then I was in the final three people in the spelling be (the other kids were in 4th and 5th grade because my school was K-8). The word I misspelled was Tuesday because I did not say “capital T” which is not in the rules so technically I was correct. Obviously Tuesday has a capital T and I know how to spell it, dummies. I left the stage crying because my eyes were puffy and that was the year I was going to win and I didn’t. My dreams of going to Washington DC for the finals were crushed because the judges didn’t know the rules and I did. 

A few days later, we went to the dermatologist and found out I have eczema around my eyes and on my cheeks. Now, almost every year around this time, it flares up and it hurts and I want it to go away because I can’t grow out of it, and so it still reminds me of the humiliation of not misspelling a word with puffy eyes and losing to a 4th grader. 

YOU READ HARRY POTTER FANFIC TOO?!

NOOOOO but I always want to; my babysitter would just tell me all about the ones she read. I could never bring myself to seek it out because I know I would just immerse myself in it and then get into twilight fanfic and the everything fanfic and become a crazy person. 

to my super cool babysitter who introduced me to manga and told me about all the Harry Potter fanfics she read online (prob PG13 don’t worry) but I keep trying to find her on fb and I can’t. She was the best, though. Maybe this post will lead me to her. 

Share it me with me when you’re done? Thanks.

Yes! I think everyone I know should read it.